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Thursday, April 30, 2009


Today was the first difficult day at the NICU. Maybe it was the lack of interest Ainsleigh had in nursing or Annabelle's brief drop in heart rate. Maybe it was the daily four hour total trip time for the girls' feedings at the NICU which drains the remaining energy from my healing body. Or maybe the struggle leaving my older girls every afternoon, knowing that they, mainly Caroline, wonder if I'm leaving for good, like I did for the delivery.

My heart hurts today.

In the back of my mind I know that, yes, incredible miracles took place last week. My babies are here, resiliently. They are progressing. I'm healing and back home.

But that doesn't make up for the natural nurturing instincts that come after giving birth which I'm feeling so strongly and not being able to fulfill. It only teases me and makes me feel more robotic and less as a mother to routinely "mother" under observation an hour a day, per child.

It is all I have right now. That anticipated, wonderful, and short two hours.

I'll keep it.

On a lighter note:

If the definition of fascination means being intensely interested, I believe Caroline wins the award for most fascinated sister of newborns, ever.

Not a single centimeter of skin on either Ainsleigh or Annabelle was passed by today without loving caresses, kisses, and rubbing cheeks against. At one point Caroline found her sister's hand tucked into her blankie, pulled it out, pushed up her sleeve, and begin feeling, rather gently squeezing her forearm down to her hand.

I would love to know what was going on in her three-year old brain: she was intently interested in what this little being was.


Jared and Kari said...

Congratulations, Nicole! I just spent the last 20 minutes catching up on your life. I can't believe the twins are here already. You look amazing and the girls look so healthy. You are truly blessed. Enjoy your sweet baby girls (and your "giant" girls!) and remember that I can think of NO one more fit to do this than you. No one. You are an awesome mom.

Ann said...

I can imagine how exhausting it must be. Your heart and body are pulled in so many directions. I know how I would feel and it would be very difficult. I am praying for you every day.

I felt many similar emotions last February, though our situations were completely different and not at all alike, the emotions were much the same...knowing that tremendous blessings had taken place, but a deep need was so hard to meet. It was one of the most challenging times I've had. So I can imagine how this would feel. I love you. :)

Anonymous said...

I believe those two hours are the most healing for both you and the girls...when you touch them after the long absence each day, I can imagine that their little bodies electrify with your touch.
Happy two weeks already...wow! Soon they will be home.
Love ya...Lorrie

Nadia and Jeremy said...

so so so cute. i love it when older siblings take such an interest in babies. my friend just had a baby and when i was holding her at the park the other day beckham (the 5 year old) came and sat down next to me for almost half an hour and talked to her, played little piggy with her toes, and gave her her binky when she spit it out. it was the cutest thing. i know if i ever have another baby that he'll be a good big brother.

good luck with getting things back into balance. it's so hard. my friend had to go to the hospital for 6 hours the other day (she's 7 months and already dilating) and i watched her little girl who just turned 3. she was NOT a happy camper...and i think that she knows that something isn't quite right. i can understand what you guys are going through. i hope you get to bring those babes home soon! they're so cute. oh, i also love their names. and i think it's funny, my friend in CA named her daughter Ainsley...i'd never heard that name before, and now there are two little girls with it. it's so cute. i love it.

Kaylan said...

You can do it Dirle!!! Congratulations honey! I am so proud of you! I am tearing up just reading your blog and seeing your beautiful babes :) I am so glad to see everything went so well with the delivery and that the girls are meeting their new sisters :)Caroline will be a big help I am sure. This will be the time that you rely on family more than ever and you will need to ask for help whenever you can. If you need Tracy to come up then just have her call me and I will watch her girls so she can come and help you out! Whatever you need you can have it! I love you Nicole and I am so happy for you and Bobby. Children are such a blessing and you have been blessed twice over. Take Care and try to relax when you can.